So a friend posted a picture on Facebook.
And here was her comment with that picture…
Ok…so a bit of deliberation going on with myself and thinking that a solid clean end clear out and maybe a little step out of the box with the color? Thoughts?
There are some girls out there who don’t even know Tink (not her real name… but how cool would that be) but know what she was talking about. I thought it was a beautiful painting… And I thought she painted it. I mean she knew all the cool artist lingo.
Apparently all her family and friends were giving her advice about whether she should change her hair color and how great she would look in the new do (from the picture).
You should understand our history here too. Tink and my wife were friends for several years but neither of us have talked to Tink for almost 20 years since we left the thriving metropolis of Stettler. A few weeks ago we reconnected online by some miracle of modern technology.
No, not on match.com… geez.
And here was my response to her Facebook question…
I did not actually post this to facebook, it ended up being kinda personal… and it makes a better blog post I think… and my opinion might be a little skewed now…
I probably shouldn’t be listened to here… Actually there are few places that I should be listened to… but I have gone through some of your pics on Facebook… Kinda feel like a stalker… As bad as that is it is a little liberating.
I wanted to give you my two cents though, regardless of the impact to your decision-making process, our lack there of.
I have never been a fan of hair coloring but Stacey and kid number four have both impressed me with changes to their hair in the past.
I vote to go au natural. Wait. That might not have meant what I wanted it to mean. Leave your damn hair girl!
This question that Tink has brought forward got me thinking about my wife and daughter and then my other three daughters as well.
One of the things I try to instill in my children is acceptance of who they are. Women have a very unhealthy habit of comparing themselves to unrealistic standards. That is all their doing though… or is it?
I have always said that you could put a fat guy in a suit on the cover of a men’s magazine like GQ and still have a big seller. You will not however be able to do that with a hundred women’s magazines. The women on those covers require airbrushing to perfection (by some graphic artist standard).
A Change of Heart…
Why do I tell you this today? I guess because I am thinking of changing my mind (might have something to do with ADHD too).
I have said before that I am a pretty good father and a mediocre husband. I am a big fan of men being men and not just males of our species. My realization, no matter how sudden (or not), is that this glamorization of women is not all about how women see themselves. But my problem is that if it can sometimes be blamed on men then I need to take some responsibility.
Shit just got real up in here. I believe that my wife is physically one of the most beautiful women that has ever graced this planet. Her personality can actually outshine her physical beauty when she wants it to. And then there are the days when she does not want it to and the side of her personality comes out that makes me wait to see if her head will spin around.
So what do I do, or fail to do, to bring out the personality that everyone loves? Yes, I try to make sure that I make enough money to keep some wine in the house but is something missing? Am I missing something?
I do not care if Stacey changes her hair. If she wants to cut it all off or dye it pink it would not affect me much either way. It isn’t my hair after all. But if she changed it to make herself feel better, or if she changed it to try to make me feel different then I have a huge problem.
I have failed at being the man my wife deserves. She needs to know that I am not just happy with who she is and what she looks like, but I am reveling in ecstasy just knowing that she lets me love her. I know that it is sappy but this is my most important job in the world.
If she is thinking about changing her hair to make herself feel better then why have I not made her feel so awesome that changing her hair never occurred to her?
If she is thinking about changing her hair to make me feel differently about her then what the hell is wrong with me as a husband? My wife should know from the moment she wakes up till she falls asleep at night that she is as close to perfect as I could ever desire.
I will come up with a list and start keeping track of the things I am screwing up but for starters…
- do I say “I love you” enough?
- do I compliment her?
- do I compliment her choices?
- do I choose to ignore her when I know that she is pushing my buttons or do I ask her what is wrong that is making her feel this is necessary?
- do I actively try to show her love using HER love language?
Off the top of my head I would have to say No.
I will get a more detailed list out but I might have to go read “5 Love Languages” again… and maybe some Florence Littauer.
Until then, I am focusing on these five and see if any of you women are brave enough to comment below with what you wish your man did for you or what impresses you about him already. Men, feel free to comment too… if you dare.
For today I will say this to Tink, “Do whatever YOU want. I don’t think you need to do anything though… I am sure that your husband likes you fine just the way you are. As for me, I need to work on all five of those points while adding to the list but maybe not this week… this week our home is still going through some head spinning.
A2Z with ADHD 
What do I wish my man would do for me? I think that should be what do I wish we would do for each other. I have a part in this as well.
We are all a work in progress. If anyone thinks they are done they are one of two things- an idiot or dead. We are constantly evolving just as the world around us is. What we or our partner needs to sustain a relationship can vary from day to day. In my opinion the two constants we need are love and acceptance. Love supercedes not liking each other much some days and putting up with each others moods or idiosyncrasies and general bullshit. Love is not the glitzy, sugary stuff that movies, TV, magazines etc. would have us believe. To me- loving my spouse is just that – loving him despite himself and him doing the same for me.
Then comes acceptance – accepting that the picture perfect sugary life is a myth. It gets ugly some days. I heard my husband describe an incident we had in Curaco a few years ago. He told a friend of ours that he was so mad at me that if there had been a helicopter available that he would have been on it and left me there. That got me. I remembered the incident and frankly, I was shocked at the depth of his feelings about it. But that is another story. The gist of my wordy comment is that acceptance of each other (and our faults etc) allows love -and commitment- to do its job of being the connective tissue that binds you together as a couple even on the days when you are not that loveable.
Great response. Never apologize for being wordy. I don’t and if anyone should… let’s not go there right now…
For me personally, I agree to accept… and to work hard to have less days when I am not as lovable as I gave her last year. What woman doesn’t deserve to have a lovable husband more often?